Stress, YouTube, Self-degrading, Music, Thoughts, Life Update
So it’s been a pretty long time since I’ve done a blog update. Actually since the summer. I’m not too sure where to start but, it’s been a lot. I wanted to do an update since the start of the school semester but I never got the time to do it. Sometimes I Continue reading “All I Wanna Do…”
Back from traveling, body image, thoughts
It has been a little more than a week since I’ve posted anything on my blog. Honestly, I’m tired. My trip took a lot of energy out of me and I decided to take a break for a bit. Get in tune with what to plan for the next posts and videos I want to do. My head always swarms with thoughts and ideas that its hard to figure out what I want to do and when I want to do it.
Being back in the states is so nice. I wasn’t sure if I was going to feel homesick at all but I was extremely homesick, up to a point where I was getting stressed out about it. Don’t get me wrong, I loved traveling and exploring new places and trying new things. I had a wonderful experience and I wish and hope that other people get to experience it in their own lives.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about how I look. Like a lot. During the vacation, I was constantly asked about my age and the fact that I don’t look like my own ethnicity. Everyone thought I was at least 3 or 4 years younger than my real age and that I looked Indian because of my nose ring and I guess the combination of my hair and my skin color. That got me thinking and feeling a lot more self-conscious about my appearance. I think I dress okay, I don’t wear a lot of makeup and I don’t do my hair that often.I’m 5’1 so that doesn’t help the problem.
But why is this a problem in the first place?
Let me just say, if you want to comment on my age around a time in my life that I am literally a young adult, please don’t. It does not make sense to tell a 20-year old that they look so young, wait till I’m 40.
Not only is this about age, but the physical appearance and my own battle of beauty do take a toll on me. Sometimes I wish I was older looking, that I was taller with a bigger butt, or that my hair can naturally be perfect when I wake up. Or if my nose didn’t have a bump in it or that my head wasn’t so tiny. These are terrible thoughts,
I stop myself and think, as cheesy as it sounds: You look badass
Because I do, we all do. I heard someone say, you shouldn’t change who you are you should grow. That is the answer.
Growing is so important. I am not the person who I was 2 years ago. Honestly, I’m anxious, scared, aware- but I’m alive and happier. I feel so beautiful. This time in my life is the best I’ve ever looked. My brother told me that every time I visit it looks like I’ve glowed up since the last time. That compliment stuck with me because he noticed the change. It made me realize growth.
We always worry about how we look, how we sound, how we are. It’s inevitable. Even if I do love and accept myself that does not tear away the factor that I can be sad, I can be unhappy, tired, and not my best. Everyone has their limits to what they can feel. Don’t blame yourself for the unwanted feeling of unhappiness. It’s okay to fall down an get hurt, but you have to get back up and continue. Take your time and grow. Change can be stagnant. We all know that growth comes with change and continuous development.
I wanted to put these words out here for myself and for others. I’ve been having a hard time understanding certain emotions I’ve been feeling and I want to break out of it. I hope I made sense and if not, just imagine that this is from my own personal journal. Journals never make sense.
I’m back now, ready for the last month of summer! Also, I want to try a new look for my Instagram; picture concepts, Videos provided, maybe some new songs I’ve been contemplating. I will have my weekly Songs of the Week, I didn’t forget 😉
I can’t wait for the summer. I’m already dreaming about doing nothing with my time. Just reading, playing guitar, traveling, swimming, hanging out with friends and family. School is already beyond me.
Where Should I Start…
For everyone, I think 2017 was honestly crappy. It was. But I also believe that it’s given me a whole new change and perspective on life, and myself. I’ve had so many new experiences and met so many new people. I’ve come to realizations about myself and others. I’ve reconnected with people and I lost others.
I know that this year generally was “hard” and the “worst” for everyone, but I think it was the most changing for myself. Lately, I have not been so great when it comes to posting my poetry and other things, I know that the Christmas break is one part of the procrastination. However, I’ve been experiencing some emotional things in my life. Mentally I feel as if I get depressed, sad, and the loss of motivation. Sometimes I’ll be mentally drained that it’s too hard or too much to do anything. It’s something I struggle with a lot and I usually don’t talk about. I get self-conscious and I worry about making something great and good to place in a public space. I don’t want to label it or make it seem like I’m the only one with this problem. I know other people go through that. Even now I’m not fully explaining how I feel and other anxiety issues I have. But that’s for another time. I think these emotions and stressfulness has a lot to do with the way the world is now. College scars us 18 to 25 year olds, and exerts so much stress on us. And the answer to that is just to “deal with it” or “That’s how life is”. No, it doesn’t have to be like that.
Maybe 2018 can give us a new start to make something wonderful in life. To make life not shitty for ourselves. That is one thing I want to do for myself. 2017 has taken so much from me and given so much back. And I want to reflect on the great things that have happened in 2017.
First off 2017 gave me the chance to travel outside the states. I had the wonderful opportunity to go visit my Dad and my step Mom in Okinawa, Japan. I still can’t believe I got to experience a culture like Japan’s. To this day I still miss it and I can’t wait to go back this summer. I know for sure we’re going to go to Thailand or another country for 2 weeks. I recommend that everyone should go experience a new culture and travel someday in their lives. Everyone needs to leave the US for a vacation at some point. I got to taste the difference of the air, feel the sun’s warmth with a different welcome.
I know I met my boyfriend in 2016, but in 2017 he has always been there with me. I cant think of a time when we were apart. He’s made me realize some things about myself and has brought out the greatness in me. I know this may be sappy but it’s true that someone you care about really does bring out the best in you. He’s my punching bag, he’s my teddy bear, he’s the ear that I talk to, he’s the person that makes me laugh so hard I start crying and I forget all the bad things that happened. I hope I’ve done the same for him as much as he’s done for me. This brings me to my wonderful roommates that I lived with in 2017 and the many people I met through them. They brought me out of my introverted shell and given me a whole new relationship with myself and others.
Three highlights of the year would have to be the fact that I got to see The Garden, Mac Demarco, and The Shins all in this year. YES, I DID! I have to say that I’m proud of myself for buying those tickets. It is so fucking amazing that they all decided to stop by Austin to do a show. It was like the Gods of Music smiled down at me and said, “Hollie you deserve this”. This goes to show that 2017 did have something to put up.
In the second half of 2017 gave me the chance to do what I want in a college. I gave back myself the chance to write, which is one of my greatest passions. It’s the main tool I use to cope with things in my life. One of my greatest fears is losing my memory which is why I write in a journal. I have so many thoughts and words to say and I found that writing was the way to channel all the sounds in my head. This blossomed my nick for writing poetry.
From what I can remember this has been my 2017 in a wrap-up. I’m sure a lot of other stuff has happened but I’m going to move on from that. Starting off…I want to be better at writing poetry and with music. I did a song recently, fully done and cleaned. I’ll decide when to post it on here. But yes, that is one new thing that has led up to this new year. I will make more songs soon! Sorry if this post seemed like a ramble.
I hope you all have entered 2018 with some grace, kisses, love, and happiness. And I wish for it to continue on.
So currently I am on Christmas Break, which is pretty great considering I have almost a whole month of no school. I have time to do things, to read, write, make music, and do mostly nothing.
Now this month has been interesting- emotionally. I feel like that’s usually the case when it involves the beginning of the month, or towards the ending of the month. I know I have not been doing so great with my writing/blogging portion, but I have drafts that are waiting to be published, I’ve literally been taking a break and contemplating about a lot of things, which I should write down. I’ve also been thinking about changing the style of my blog, but that’s on the thinking block.
So Christmas was really nice! I did get great gifts and caught up with my family and friends. I always believed it was so weird having so many people in your home, with so much noise and questions. It still is weird. But besides that, we have the new year to look forward too. Yes, 2018. It is fascinating to think that the year has already come to an end. I can’t even remember some of the things that have happened, so many things that have been lost, gained, learned, failed, succeeded. 2017 has been a really long year for some of us. But one interesting thing for us Texans is that it snowed. 🙂
My family’s lives have changed, people are growing, they moved to a new house. I have a different room now, all empty and unlived in. I think I’ve gotten used to it all, even if the house is 30 minutes away from my hometown. That’s what makes it hard, to be far from my friends and boyfriend, and the closeness of them all.
I feel like this time would be perfect for me to keep working on my writing and music. My only problem is procrastination and no motivation. But I hope I can whip myself back to where I want to be. I’ve been listening to a lot of music and watching a lot of movies, so maybe there might be a spark of inspiration there.
I hope to hear from ya’ll in the next year! (don’t worry I’m not leaving)
Day 12: Write a poem in the perspective of a stranger
I see her staring at me.
She looks like she ought to be a person that always stares, I know how she feels.
I’m staring back.
I’ll go back to my ways. But, I wonder. What are the chances of seeing that person again?
I wonder how many people looked at me and thought the same thing. I doubt it.
But it’s a thought.
What are the odds that I will see that woman again, the staring woman?
I won’t give it another thought, let me go on my day.
But, did she think the same thing too-
there she goes walking away.
Hm, will she see me again?
Hello!!!!!! This is sort of my week day of class so I am pretty excited for the break. This weeks songs of the week have been…
Micheal Cera’s newest release Best I Can made for the new 2017 romantic-documentary Dina. I discovered this song a while back when it was first released. Since then I have fallen in love with this song. There is this type of innocence and tenderness of love you can hear and it is just so beautiful to the ears.
Best I Can by Micheal Cera feat Sharon Van Etten
Another song I’ve been listening to is…
I Was a Fool by Sunflower Bean
Two Extra Pumps Of Bliss by Enjoy
I’ve really enjoyed these songs a lot. It was something new and fresh to find and I hope to find more songs. If you want to hear more songs and different albums please go read my post here.
Give it a listen, give music a chance.
Day #9: write an honest poem about yourself, don’t hold anything back.
I relapse in my thoughts
And its a drug I can’t stop welcoming.
Don’t worry it’s not tangible, I can’t taste it, I can’t consume it.
Everyone has it. So I think it’s okay to feel this way.
I overthink and take too much time
To make a choice or to decide.
I tend to get mad, and days like this I stop everything.
People don’t know me to be crippled in cold,
but that means you don’t know me
I always get tired. I get tired of trying to be something.
I don’t care for crowds and loud people talking at the same time.
I prefer to be alone, or with one great person.
I feel that I can show you myself more
Otherwise, I won’t say much.
I force words out of my mouth and It feels like I’m throwing up acid
Becuase nothing sticks, it just burns a hole through an ear.
I can’t speak loud anyway and when I do
It’s always something wrong.
Then I stare at people
And I wish I could be you, him, her.
I wish I could feel pretty all the time and not let my jealous rage
make me angry for no reason.
I start to think I hate people.
I don’t realize this about me
I think I’ve earned to feel emotion and sadness from time to time
But all the time- that’s the issue.
It’s not good to drown others with me while I’m at it.
This isn’t an intervention, and I’m not trying to feel sorry for myself.
I don’t hate myself and I do find my company great.
I have grown to love my self, and I am learning to just
let it go.
I find myself cute and pretty. I find myself sexy.
I believe to be different.
I like the things I like, and I like how I give my heart and love and patience to many
I worry that I’ll get hurt. But I’ve been hurt many times before, not by a love
but from all.
But I always seem to still be here.
I’m here and so is everyone else.
I’m still working on myself and I haven’t figured out what is wrong sometimes.
I just know that there are so much more beautiful things to cry about.